Who Am I? What Do I Want?
“We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our great war is a spiritual war. Our great depression is our lives.”
-Tyler Durden, Fight Club
I want to preface this with a memorable quote from fight club. I think it ties in very well to what I’ve felt in my own life. Identity crisis. I’ve always been envious of the people who found their calling early in life. I couldn't fathom how someone could pick something and say: “this is it, this is what I want to pursue for the rest of my life because I am that passionate about it.”. I’m not entirely sure where that comes from. I also know that those people are probably the exception, not the rule. Nonetheless, I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. In fact, the above quote is a testament, to just how many people feel the same way because of Fight Club’s popularity.
Objectively, the meaning given to the lives of people in history may not be ideal. From a modern perspective, who would want to say that their life had meaning because of a world war. But that’s not the point. The point is that they had meaning. That's all that matters. Right now I’m not getting into the morality of what things should have meaning and what shouldn't, especially when it comes to history. The idea behind this is to come to the conclusion that meaning is what you make of it. When the world you live in, the society that you live in, does not give the opportunity for any real meaning, you must find it yourself.
Now that’s a tall order. Finding the meaning in your life for yourself. Consumerism governs our lives. We are social animals, we seek to be a part of something. That can explain a lot of why depression among young men is at record levels. Do you really want to be a part of a culture that has relegated you to just being a fan of a certain sports team? That you wear Nike? You buy the same shit as someone else so now you somehow belong? That's all marketing really is. I’m not saying that's bad in and of itself. What I'm saying is that it's a bad thing to base your entire identity off of. I have never seen anyone actually be happy with themselves for “keeping up with the Jones”. Those things do not have meaning. Now, what does?
I want to address this for the perspective of the young male. What has meaning? What should have meaning? As I have found out in my personal life. A body dominated by testosterone does not fare well in an estrogenic environment. Meaning has its roots in masculinity. Our previous pre modern culture had no issues with this. Men were men. This is seen throughout the amount of testosterone an average male in history had compared to the average male today. Generational testosterone decline is now a documented phenomenon. A man from the 50s on average had higher levels of test than a man of the same age in the early 2000’s. So if you're lost and looking for meaning. The first place to start is in male virtue. Since we no longer pay attention to it today. We even go as far as too shun it.
Who Am I?
I’ve asked myself this question many times. The answer was never satisfying when I first started asking. Mostly because I could never answer it properly. I had vague notions of what my parents and society expected of me: I’m a nice guy, people like me. I’m a good lover and pleasing to women. I can work hard and provide. Most of my self evaluation was based on being agreeable. Never causing problems. Believing that if I always had smooth waters in my life that somehow it was a success. I always felt walked on and disregarded in reality. Why me? Why do I have to struggle with these things? When it seems like no one else has to? The thing is, everyone struggles with these kind of existential questions.
We as men have genetic material coursing through us that has been passed down over thousands of years. Material that had to make it through the crucible of life. Only the best survived, a culmination of luck and sheer perseverance has allowed your bloodline to exist today. Men much stronger and resilient than us have broken trail into the genetic future. We would be naive to discount the attributes and virtues that have allowed our existence today. Throwing them away in some sort of post modern hubris is a mistake.
Traditionally we had expectations of men and who they were supposed to be. Masculinity was a more clearly defined virtue. Not some shadowy concept of what many today consider evil (Oooo scary patriarchy). Even though they look towards masculine men for help in times of crisis. Or to enforce the laws they so eagerly pass. Like it or not, men were the building blocks of today's society. That doesnt by any means leave out women's role in the world. Far from it. The point I'm trying to make however is that it was the attributes of strong and tough men that built the frontiers of what we call society today. None of the nice and soft parts of our world would have existed without first clearing the path for them with hardship. The willingness to fight, toil, struggle and persevere for a life that they themselves would never see, but their family would one day. True sacrifice.
Being male, I think a good place to start answering that question is in the questions: What does it take to be a man, and not just male? What is the definition of masculinity?
Virtue: strength, toughness, courage, violence, protection, aggressiveness, competence, intelligence, and a whole host of others that could be made to fit the definition. Let's take a look at a couple.
Strength:
The quality or state of being physically strong.
The capacity of an object or substance to withstand great force or pressure.
Strong:
Having the power to move heavy weights or perform physically demanding tasks.
Able to withstand great force or pressure.
Physicality is a way of life for men. We must honor it. Being strong is a measurable metric that we can define in respect to being good at being a man. No one ever respects weakness. Physical strength makes us more capable in every aspect of our life. Strength is admirable. In every story you have ever read or movie have you watched, was the main protagonist weak throughout? No. he may have moments of weakness but the thing that made him or her the hero was the strength, mental or physical to pull through hardship. Remember that. Weakness should not be admired. The definition of the hero lies within strength.
Mental strength allows us to exert our will on the world around us. Again, no one has ever respected mentally weak people. It is our duty to our tribe and society to be mentally strong. For that is the only way we can make difficult decisions for the better. Being strong mentally, to me, means that you are capable of moving yourself in the direction that you want. You are able to withstand outside pressure and act anyway. You have the capacity to overcome great mental hurdles. You can see what your emotions are and act in spite of them.
Life is for the strong, and it must be earned. Things not earned are not appreciated.
Tough:
Strong enough to withstand adverse conditions or rough or careless handling.
Able to endure hardship or pain.
Strength and toughness are symbiotic. They need each other to coexist. You cannot have one without the other. You can't be tough without first being strong. When you look at the definition “Strong enough to withstand” you can see what I’m talking about. The more strength you foster in your life, the more toughness will result and vice versa. The gym is a great example, gaining strength requires a willingness to endure pain. You are literally destroying your body to build it back stronger. The more pain you can endure, the tougher AND stronger you will become. They are two virtues that must be cultivated at the same time. If I had to differentiate between the two I would say that being strong gets you started. Being tough allows you to continue along the path that strength put you on. Being tough is also more about your mental state than your physical state. Two people can be strong objectively. However, if one is tough, he is able to do more over a longer period of time than the other. The mental capacity to push through pain is the difference. One may fail at 5 reps and not try and get another, the tough person will try and get another rep after failure.
Toughness paves the path for perseverance. Toughness is the virtue that allows us to keep going when things get hard. Without this virtue we do not have the capability to overcome life's greatest challenges. Collectively we do not admire weakness. To strive to be tough and strong is the correct way to live your life. It makes you more capable in every aspect of your life. We are judged by our actions and how well we perform those actions.
At every corner in life you will experience hardship. Suffering is a fact of life, the only constant. Will it break you? Or will you overcome? Being broken is not an optimal way to live your life. It is a defeat. Overcoming is the only way. You will be better for it. Our lives don't really have meaning without something to struggle against. Something to test our resolve and toughness. The dark defines the light. Without darkness we have no real concept of what light is. Without Sadness we have no real concept of what happiness is. To merely just float along with no troubles means that we have not and will not accomplish anything of importance. The chance to test our toughness is what makes life worth living.
I'm going to stop there with the definitions of attributes and virtues. I want to go in depth on these separately in another article / podcast. We now have the beginnings of what we could start defining ourselves by. These things are measurable and have real meaning. They will affect your life in a way nothing else can.
What Do I Want?
In a world inundated with choice, where do we begin? The options seem endless. Everybody in the world seems to have an opinion on what you should do. Go to school, go to college, get a job, get a girl, work for this company, don't work for that company. The advertising of products that all seem to have the answers if you pay a modest fee, or wear a certain logo, or buy a certain product all your dreams will come true. None of it has worked thus far eh? Otherwise you wouldn't be reading this. You'd still be keeping up with the kardashians. Number one I think it is important to stop letting the world, buy and large, define what you want and what you find meaningful. Take control of meaning.
Unplugging. Let's say for a minute that you could unplug from the world. From the influence of today's world. If you existed in a vacuum, what would become of the things you thought mattered? They would be gone, wouldn't they? The relational status you sought out my acquiring stuff and acting a certain way wouldn't matter anymore objectively. You are just left with yourself. Now back to reality, cause we don't, and never will exist in a vacuum. We are social animals, we derive the meaning of our life from our circumstance and also the other people around us. However, it is an interesting thought exercise, you can see that objectively these things don't matter. They only matter to you relationaly in that very moment and environment. We can, for the most part, control our circumstances and environment.
Change your environment, change what things have meaning to you. Like I said, we do not live in a vacuum. It would be disingenuous at best to say “Give zero fucks, you do you, fuck what other people think of you”. This is because we deeply care about what people think of us, what society thinks of us. We are fundamentally social beings. Now this doesn't mean you should care about everything that someone or the world thinks about you. If it or they do not add value to your life, then you shouldn't care. The point of this, is to assign meaning to things that actually deserve it. By changing your environment, you can change your circumstance, and then your life. The people in your life should be ones that are minded towards improvement. The things you assign meaning to, should add value to your life. Replace having all the rage brand name shit with… Eating healthy and hitting the damn gym. That will serve you in the long run, the first one will not. So this means that the things you want, should be aligned with the things that add value to your life, therefore have real meaning.
Changing your environment takes a few different forms. When I say environment I mean your physical and mental environment. The mental aspect involves changing the way you think and assign meaning. Reprogramming if you will. I believe this involves changing habits mainly. Since we are the sum of our actions. The physical is literally getting your ass up and moving. If your default mode of being is sedentary, then that environment needs to change. You need to move. From personal experience, the majority of my down moods comes from long periods of INACTION. I’m not going to get into all the many different benefits of working out and moving your body in this post / podcast. Suffice it to say that there are many. And living a fulfilled life includes moving your body. Doesn't matter what you choose, biking, powerlifting, running, MMA, Crossfit, WHATEVER. Just move your damn body. The benefits will shock you.
Another thing I want to touch on, is the focus on things that are not real. We know this world is flooded with options. It is really easy to get caught up in things that do not matter what so ever. Our focus is on virtual reality more and more. We spend huge amounts of time on content via social media from people that we do not know and likely never will. A lot of the time these people are only putting out their highlight reel. They never show the struggles they have, because they are afraid of being seen as less. But that is not real life. Real life is full of challenges around every corner. We tend to do the same things on our own social media platforms. When we get to post that nice picture of our new car, of our accomplishments, of our stuff that's nice, It's like mental masterbation. We do it to show other people how great we are and stroke our own ego. But it doesn't move the needle at all. Now that doesn't mean that this is inherently bad. The point I'm making is that these things should not be your focus. It would be silly to base meaning off of how sweet your instagram account is. Believe it or not, lots of people do
Are you acting in integrity with yourself? The reason why I ask this is because we all have an idea of who we should be and what we should be doing. Before you say “No! I really don't know who I am!!” I’m going to point out that you know at the very minimum you should improve yourself. What do you want to improve about yourself? You know that too, you want to improve your fitness, your status, your financial security, your capability, your fulfillment, whatever it is. You can envision yourself as that person. The reason you feel so bad about yourself is that you KNOW who you can and want to be. But you don't take any action towards that. You’re not doing the things you KNOW you should be doing. Which means you are LYING to yourself daily. The beginning may seem daunting. The thing is, this stuff isn't complicated. It may be hard, but it isn't complicated. Quit over thinking it. It's simple. Just start. Want to lose weight? Simple, move more, eat less. Don’t get caught up in the myriad of diets and workouts on the internet, you can figure all that out later. Don't know what to eat less of? Come on, you know. What is clean food? You know that too. We all know that. Quit getting bogged down in the details. The most important thing you can do is START, even when you don't have all the information. ACT.
Now these are some of the very basic concepts of figuring out what it is you want. But we gotta start somewhere. The difference from the good and the great is how well you can do the basics. By no means am I an expert on how to live your life. I write this for my own benefit, to clarify these ideas for myself, create a roadmap for my life. Maybe it will strike a chord with someone else. At the end of all this philosophizing, the main takeaway is: ACTION. Deeds not words. ACTA NON VERBA